Simplify the Struggle

Our children go through struggles – daily. Struggles that, as adults, we can’t imagine. We think we can of course because we are older, wiser – we have experienced everything they have experienced and we understand how they feel. This isn’t exactly true though. As we grow, we forget the feelings of youth. We lose our insight for the magical. We lose our ability to see the world with innocence.

I fear that adults expect too much out of children. As parents and teachers we have an expectation for our children to act “appropriately”. Doesn’t that just mean that we expect them to act like us though? I fear that our desire to propagate our children within societal norms doesn’t give them a chance to be well – children. It most likely also defers them from becoming them, I suppose.

This means that, rather than change their perspective to that of the adult world, we need to work harder to change our perspective to that of their world – the way they see it.

Amidst our busy lives we need to slow down and see the magic – that’s just the start though. When we place ourselves in the shoes of our children (metaphorically speaking), it helps us to better guide them, discipline them and connect with them. We can’t see things their way if we don’t try – if we don’t take the extra time to do so.

So, when my students at work or my son does something that simply infuriates me because of its immense stupidity, I would like to try and stop to think about it as if I where them – not me. It’s absolutely amazing how this changes my reaction to the situation! Rather than yell, discipline out of anger, or judge, I find myself able to have an intelligent conversation about what happened and what needs to happen to follow the “incident” up.

Adding to their daily struggle isn’t helpful. Helping them overcome it and learn from it is a much better gift to give.

Emotion Has Taken Over Me

Emotion has taken over me.

The worlds within my walls and outside have combined.

I am finding it difficult to find joy.

My tears flow for selfish reasons as well as for reasons I cannot control.

Covering the basics stresses me out more than it should.  

Comparison makes me feel selfish for grieving over my situation.

Who am I to question my blessed life?

The world’s hatred, death and destruction break my heart.

Even with my limited knowledge, the knowing makes me sad.

Is ignorance truly bliss?

A solution is often my goal and currently, one cannot be found.

I am floundering in my shallow pool.

No one can save me.

Can anyone be saved?

Fear is driving our carriage.

Without compassion, the derailing will continue with speed.

What can be done?

We must allow joy to be our compass.

Joy must overcome fear.

Taking over me is my emotion.

To Be Him

About a week ago, my son said the damndest thing (as kids often do) … He said, and I quote: “Mom, did you know that some moms don’t want their kids to be who they really are?” Huh. What a statement. I mean, what an amazingly smart little guy I have! I responded by asking him if he thought I did that with him at all. Of course, he thinks I do, “a little bit anyway”. Not the response I wanted, really. I want him to feel comfortable with whom he is. I want to celebrate his individuality and be careful to not crush his spirit! I do own the fact though that I occasionally require him cover up his craziness. I do this to save face, I suppose. I ask him to act a certain way so he isn’t looked at like he’s out of control. He is well, quite the spirited one and because of what society says is normal; I try to make him conform. It’s foolish. Really ignorant.

So, following his acute awareness of individuality, we talked for a while about how I really do like who he is and I want him to remember to always be true to himself and not allow others to define him. We talked about how even I shouldn’t be allowed to define him, that he is his own person, separate from me. The only things, I assured him, that I require him to be are kindhearted, honest, overall morally sound (yes, I did explain what morally sound entails). I explained to him that these attributes are personal qualities we should all strive for – also reminding him that no one is perfect and mistakes will always be made because that’s part of being human. Beyond these “nuts and bolts” foundational expectations, I don’t want to make him feel like who he is isn’t good enough.

Then, a couple days ago, I read an article in The Oprah Magazine about people’s quirks benefitting them.  An anecdote was told about Taylor Swift being pushed out of her circle of friends in high school because she would rather stay home and write songs than go to parties and hang out. Who knows how accurate this little story is but it cemented my desire to convey the message of individuality to my little guy. I actually called him out in to the living room immediately and told him again how important it is to be honest about whom he is and what he wants to be. I told him again, fervently; that he should never allow anyone to define him and that he is wonderful the way he is. Follow your quirks, kid! I may have taken it a bit too far but I want to be sure he gets the message, you know?

I think most parents make the small mistake that my son so cleverly pointed out to me. We desire our children to be important and successful members of society – rightly so. Allowing our idea of what that means to invade our children’s idea about what they think it means is when it all goes wrong. So, I am going to remind myself – every damn day – that he is who he is and I like who he is. No matter how many times I remind him to calm down his silliness in a crowd of people, he is still going to enjoy being goofy. Hey, maybe goofiness is his calling?

Self-Reliance

In this society, which we tend to cater to children’s every beck and call, I am afraid my son will become dependent. Dependent on me, controlled substances, food, monetary possessions … the list could go on. Reality is – dependency can be scary.

One goal I have as his mother is to alleviate the need for dependency as much as I can. I am determined to make him aware of life’s realities and responsibilities. This aspiration is not only supported by my love for him but also by my own struggles with dependency.

Of course, I want to protect him. I want him to know that when he needs support, I am here for him. When he has a nightmare, I want him to know he can crawl in to my bed at night. When he has a question about how to talk to the first person he has a crush on, I want him to feel comfortable enough to come to me. I want to allow him the joys of childhood – I don’t want to force him to grow up too fast by giving him too many adult responsibilities. I do though want him to feel comfortable enough in his abilities to (hopefully) forgo dependency to a certain extent.  

Balancing these two desires can be precarious, yes. I feel that a healthy balance can be found though. Some of what I am trying to do in order to find that balance …

Daily reminders of personal strengths:

This can be tricky. Although I think it’s extremely important to tell children you recognize their strengths – and help them to acknowledge those strengths, I believe too much praise may cause a person to become over confident or develop a “fixed mindset” (to learn more about the idea of a fixed mindset, you can read Mindset, a book by Dr. Carol Dweck). A child generally acquires this type of attitude when adults portray their intelligence or abilities as permanent rather than focusing on the child’s ability to grow and learn. When personal strengths are affirmed and supported though, kiddos have more opportunity to share their gifts with the world – to become positive roles within their society. We all have gifts and talents. To be awakened to these at an early age is a gift I would like to give my son. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … we become what we’re told we are. Positive words do wonders.

Teaching rather than doing … this includes chores:

Teaching little ones to do things on their own is time consuming. When a kiddo asks for help, especially when you’re trying to move quickly, it’s much easier to just do it for them. But, to take the time to show them how to do it themselves is much more fulfilling in the long run – both for you and for them. I personally require my little guy to take on chores around the house to teach him how he can “go on without me”. I want him to not only feel good about himself through his accomplishments, I want him to feel confident in his abilities when he is required to do things on his own. At his ripe old age of six, he takes out the trash, does the recycling, loads his dirty dishes in to the dishwasher, empties the dishwasher when the dishes are clean, sorts – washes – folds and puts away his own clothes, can turn on his own shower – wash himself and turn the shower off, makes his own bed and cleans his own room. Now, I don’t say this to boast or to compare. Rather, I write out this list to prove that I believe every child is capable of learning tasks – of carrying some of the responsibilities that come with living in a household. Plus, when they complete a new task, children have a sense of gratification that is irreplaceable and will most likely empower them to learn new things with more ease throughout their lives.

Shower with love:

Give hugs and kisses. Children only want to cuddle for a short period of time so – if they want to cuddle, cuddle. Let them crawl into your lap at the end of the day and rest their head on your shoulder. Whenever they want to be close to you, take a moment from whatever you are doing and get close. Hold their hand. Listen to their stories. Listen to their ideas and philosophies. Give them assurance that those ideas are valuable. Give them your time. Time is love. Allow them the security to love themselves through your love. Love of oneself will ultimately put an end to the need for dependency – at least this is what I believe.

Now, my plan to guide my kiddo towards self-reliance is not fool proof – we’ll see how he’s doing in 10 years! I am no expert but I feel confident in what I am currently doing as his parent. I feel that we have a real, human relationship. There’s no perfection in this house! We laugh, cry, talk, yell, debate, learn, grow and love. I don’t think I could ask for much more.

            

Zany Friendships and The Salty Sea

Friends enrich my life.

The ocean refreshes my soul.

The opportunity to combine the two is invaluable. 

This past weekend, my opportunity was just that - the combination of wonderful, zany friendships and the salty sea – what a fabulous blessing.

(photocred : Jules) 

We all gathered to celebrate a thirtieth birthday.

Let me tell you … we did it the right way.

We partied like we were still in college – sort of - for one night anyway.

Beer Pong    …            

Semi Drunken Walks in the Sand    …

Staring at the Electric Waves …

Rock Wall (fireplace) Climbing   …

Private Dance Parties    …

Arm Wrestling   … 

Cards Against Humanity    …

Yoga Poses   …

Stories of Years Past   …

Asking the Serious Questions   …

Laughing

Living

Loving

We made meals together and just simply enjoyed each other’s company.

We yelled at the TV together when the Ducks played.

Then cuddled our old selves up for a movie when we couldn’t party any more.

They were the best of times.

We didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.

I can’t say enough how ecstatic I am to have friendships like I do.

Nurture your friendships – well, the good ones anyway. They’re worth it.

Here’s to another 17 years, Sasha!

Can’t wait to have some more fun and make some more memories!

Ms. Yousafzai

Hearing that Malala Yousafzai had received the Nobel Peace Prize for 2014 filled me with absolute joy! This young woman is such an amazing example of what a passion driven life can look like. I remember watching a Jon Stewart interview with Ms. Yousafzai about a year ago and tearing up while she spoke about crusading with peace.

Yes, her passion is education - she has a desire to secure an education for all young people and to call a halt to the suppression of children. She is driving her passion filled battle with intelligence and love. That is what makes her fight so powerful. 

“Even if there was a gun in my hand and he was standing in front of me, I would not shoot him [referring to the member of the Taliban that shot her in October of 2012]. This is the compassion I have learned from Mohamed, the prophet of mercy, Jesus Christ and Lord Buddha. This is the legacy of change I have inherited from Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Mohammed Ali Jinnah. This is the philosophy of nonviolence that I have learned from Gandhi, Bacha Khan and Mother Teresa. And this is the forgiveness that I have learned from my father and my mother. This is what my soul is telling me: Be Peaceful and Love Everyone.”  ~Malala Yousafzai

The names she ‘drops’ here all come from different religions, different regions, different walks of life and are generally not thought of as similar or congruent. Ms. Yousafzai reminds us though that each of the leaders she mentions are fighters for peace - through peace – with peace and she will follow their lead.

She is awe inspiring to me.  To hit someone with a shoe when you want peace just doesn’t make much sense. 

Congratulations, Malala Yousafzai! You are leaving a legacy to be proud of. 

Blood Moon

I love connecting with nature and being aware of the phenomena’s that occur throughout the year.  I am always left in awe of the awesomeness of earth and our surroundings …  

“Joy in the universe, and keen curiosity about it all – that has been my religion.” 

~John Burroughs~

It is my hope to pass on my love of nature to my boy. I want him to be aware of the impressiveness of our earth and when I can, I immerse him in nature. This morning, we were able to experience the blood moon. We woke up in the wee hours – on a school night – to watch the moon align with earth and the sun in a way that is rare and beautiful. As we stared up at the orange-red moon, I felt peace. We were so small in the still of the night. The mass of the sky was all around us. The stars were bright and bold. Allowing my baby to experience such amazing wonder is something I hold dear. We are but a small spec in this universe. When we step back and appreciate the magnitude of it, it is humbling and gives way to a sense of self that can’t be matched.

Explore nature. Make it your friend – it will never disappoint. In its stillness, you will find a space for your soul to endure all that life throws at you. Sit quietly in the presence of the life within this world we have been given. It will enhance your life in ways nothing else can. Breathe in the beauty of it all. Don’t take it for granted. We are stardust in the highest glorious way. What a lovely thing.

A Teepee!

Now that the colder weather is coming soon and we will need to spend more time indoors, I thought it would be the perfect time to fulfill my desire to have a teepee in our house! 

I mean, what kid wouldn't want their own teepee to play in?! 

Right after breakfast and teeth brushing, we headed out to get supplies ... 

We got five 1/2" x 6' boards - we don't have that large of a space - but you could fit to size. 

We were super lucky to find this nice fabric for super cheap! 

Back at home, we got to work. Since I don't have a drill, we used the 'old fashioned way' to create holes in each board so we could jute them together to hold them in place. 

We laced the jute through the holes and created our desired tee pee frame. 

Flung the fabric around the frame, securing with a staple gun and …

Voila! 

We added some pillows inside and a cute little scarf at the top for some character. 

Now, we have an awesome teepee in the family room! 

The boy loves it and so do I. 

Time to play! 

Needs, Wants and Worthiness

I have a fabulous way of being attracted to guys who are either unavailable or bad for me. Yes. This happens. Not only to me – to other women too. Let’s be honest though … my track record is pretty shitty. Just to name a few –-- one of my ex boyfriends stole my car, one told me that my weight was actually a major turn off and well, one’s currently in prison.  

More recently, with my dating ventures, men who don’t want a serious relationship seem to be flocking to me and I find myself wondering if (in their eyes) I fall into the terrible stereotype of the ‘easy’, overweight, single mom! OK … There are obviously a few things I need to work on. Stress on the word I. This can no longer be a “them” problem. I need to look within myself for this one.

 First things first - realizing I allow the kind of behavior I encounter.

I permit the kind of treatment I feel I am worthy of. Talking to a dear friend about my relationship mishaps and frustrations helped me realize that my love for myself still needs some work. It’s come a long way but it still needs a lot of work. I need to genuinely believe that I am worthy! I am an awesomely amazing woman with a lot to give, damn it! I am smart, beautiful, funny, strong, hard-working, kind, intuitive, happy, creative and sensitive (among other things)! Without truly believing these things myself, how in the world should I expect anyone else to view me this way? So, guess what I’m doing? I am literally looking myself in the mirror, everyday, and telling myself how awesome I am. Yes … corny as hell but extremely helpful!

 Second – getting over the idea that I NEED someone (a man) in my life.

Would it be completely gratifying and fantastic to find a man to share life with? Of course. Is it something I want? Yup. Wanting it too much though can become detrimental. When my attention is placed so heavily on the goal of finding that special someone, my attention is taken off the present, off the blessings I already have. That’s no good. The best things tend to happen without warning. Being in constant look out mode takes the surprise and romance out of it all anyway. I just need to chill. Live my life and remember that what will be will be. If my desire to be in a loving, committed relationship is meant to be, it will happen for me. Scouting it out on the constant and feeling like it is necessary makes it easier to settle or make brainless snap decisions to be in an unworthy relationship. That’s no good.

Lastly – and most simply – I’ve got to stop thinking with my vagina.

I am a woman. I have needs. I like to have those needs fulfilled. It is not only men that have these needs, contrary to popular belief. So, yea. I need to think beyond my physical and sexual needs no matter how loud they are screaming at me - every – single – day.

I’ll have rough days or weeks where I won’t believe I am worthy. I will have days of weakness when I feel like all I need is a man to love and support me and everything will be OK. I’ll get through though. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem so; I’m feeling pretty good about where I am right now. And, yes, I will have sex on the regular again one day. That will make things better too.

The Compliment

A few weeks ago, my kiddo gave me a compliment I will always cherish. He told me that I am everything he imagined a mom should be. I mean, wow. What an awesome thing to be told! I was floored.

 

I have moments every single day when I wonder if I am doing everything I can as a mother. Some days, I absolutely convince myself that I am the worst mother in the world. I think all moms have these feelings from time to time, right? We all have moments or entire days when we feel as though we are failing our children.

To be reassured in such a simple way is a blessing I refuse to take for granted.

As I reflected on his compliment, I realized that it wouldn’t have been possible without the amazing example I was given by my parents. They believed in a certain amount of tough love but were warm, loving and sensitive. They supported me in every area of life. They gave me basic needs as well as emotional support. My brother and I were the most important things in their lives. Everything they did, they did for us. I can’t say enough how much I am indebted to them for who I have become as a parent.

My parents did make mistakes of course and so will I. Perfection is not attainable – nor do I want to be perfect. However, I will always remind myself that as long as I am trying my best to be the best for him, all will be well. Love is the foundation and yes, I am everything my son’s mother should be. I was meant to be his mom.   

Apple Stars

 Here’s some apple stars I made the kiddo for his morning snack at school tomorrow.

Apples are yummy but cut into stars; they’re even better!

Cut the apple into rings. 

 

Use a star shaped cookie cutter. 

STARS! 

 It really is little special things like this that kids remember from their childhood. Things don't need to be extravagant. When something is done with love, kiddos know it. It's the love that matters. 

Take time to makes special memories of love for your kiddos. 

Then, we gave the scraps to our Whiskey Bun … 

New Name, New Goals

I’ve decided to do some revamping! New name, new goals!

There are so many aspects of my life that I enjoy and want to share pieces of so, I’ll be sharing …

Recipes and ideas for kiddo snacks

Favorite quotes and what I think about them

Stories from my job

and

Stories about me – as a woman and as a mom

This means I will be posting more than I have in the past and I am really excited about what that means for my writing, as it is truly a passion of mine!

First up – Sunday Quote Day!

The simplicity of this is so profound. When we learn to accept our path and realize that no matter how crooked it may be – it is beautiful - happiness is a space much easier found! Wanting what we don’t have is too prevalent in American society. We expect our lives to resemble a certain level of perfection when perfection can’t be found. Treasuring our crooked path and thanking the universe for what we’ve been given, rather than cursing it for what we don’t have is how peace can be found.

This is something I struggle with from time to time. It isn’t an easy state of mind for everyone to commit to. Take a moment every day to say aloud what you're thankful for. Make peace with your crooked path. Remind yourself that you are where you are supposed to be.