Self-Reliance

In this society, which we tend to cater to children’s every beck and call, I am afraid my son will become dependent. Dependent on me, controlled substances, food, monetary possessions … the list could go on. Reality is – dependency can be scary.

One goal I have as his mother is to alleviate the need for dependency as much as I can. I am determined to make him aware of life’s realities and responsibilities. This aspiration is not only supported by my love for him but also by my own struggles with dependency.

Of course, I want to protect him. I want him to know that when he needs support, I am here for him. When he has a nightmare, I want him to know he can crawl in to my bed at night. When he has a question about how to talk to the first person he has a crush on, I want him to feel comfortable enough to come to me. I want to allow him the joys of childhood – I don’t want to force him to grow up too fast by giving him too many adult responsibilities. I do though want him to feel comfortable enough in his abilities to (hopefully) forgo dependency to a certain extent.  

Balancing these two desires can be precarious, yes. I feel that a healthy balance can be found though. Some of what I am trying to do in order to find that balance …

Daily reminders of personal strengths:

This can be tricky. Although I think it’s extremely important to tell children you recognize their strengths – and help them to acknowledge those strengths, I believe too much praise may cause a person to become over confident or develop a “fixed mindset” (to learn more about the idea of a fixed mindset, you can read Mindset, a book by Dr. Carol Dweck). A child generally acquires this type of attitude when adults portray their intelligence or abilities as permanent rather than focusing on the child’s ability to grow and learn. When personal strengths are affirmed and supported though, kiddos have more opportunity to share their gifts with the world – to become positive roles within their society. We all have gifts and talents. To be awakened to these at an early age is a gift I would like to give my son. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … we become what we’re told we are. Positive words do wonders.

Teaching rather than doing … this includes chores:

Teaching little ones to do things on their own is time consuming. When a kiddo asks for help, especially when you’re trying to move quickly, it’s much easier to just do it for them. But, to take the time to show them how to do it themselves is much more fulfilling in the long run – both for you and for them. I personally require my little guy to take on chores around the house to teach him how he can “go on without me”. I want him to not only feel good about himself through his accomplishments, I want him to feel confident in his abilities when he is required to do things on his own. At his ripe old age of six, he takes out the trash, does the recycling, loads his dirty dishes in to the dishwasher, empties the dishwasher when the dishes are clean, sorts – washes – folds and puts away his own clothes, can turn on his own shower – wash himself and turn the shower off, makes his own bed and cleans his own room. Now, I don’t say this to boast or to compare. Rather, I write out this list to prove that I believe every child is capable of learning tasks – of carrying some of the responsibilities that come with living in a household. Plus, when they complete a new task, children have a sense of gratification that is irreplaceable and will most likely empower them to learn new things with more ease throughout their lives.

Shower with love:

Give hugs and kisses. Children only want to cuddle for a short period of time so – if they want to cuddle, cuddle. Let them crawl into your lap at the end of the day and rest their head on your shoulder. Whenever they want to be close to you, take a moment from whatever you are doing and get close. Hold their hand. Listen to their stories. Listen to their ideas and philosophies. Give them assurance that those ideas are valuable. Give them your time. Time is love. Allow them the security to love themselves through your love. Love of oneself will ultimately put an end to the need for dependency – at least this is what I believe.

Now, my plan to guide my kiddo towards self-reliance is not fool proof – we’ll see how he’s doing in 10 years! I am no expert but I feel confident in what I am currently doing as his parent. I feel that we have a real, human relationship. There’s no perfection in this house! We laugh, cry, talk, yell, debate, learn, grow and love. I don’t think I could ask for much more.