Needs, Wants and Worthiness

I have a fabulous way of being attracted to guys who are either unavailable or bad for me. Yes. This happens. Not only to me – to other women too. Let’s be honest though … my track record is pretty shitty. Just to name a few –-- one of my ex boyfriends stole my car, one told me that my weight was actually a major turn off and well, one’s currently in prison.  

More recently, with my dating ventures, men who don’t want a serious relationship seem to be flocking to me and I find myself wondering if (in their eyes) I fall into the terrible stereotype of the ‘easy’, overweight, single mom! OK … There are obviously a few things I need to work on. Stress on the word I. This can no longer be a “them” problem. I need to look within myself for this one.

 First things first - realizing I allow the kind of behavior I encounter.

I permit the kind of treatment I feel I am worthy of. Talking to a dear friend about my relationship mishaps and frustrations helped me realize that my love for myself still needs some work. It’s come a long way but it still needs a lot of work. I need to genuinely believe that I am worthy! I am an awesomely amazing woman with a lot to give, damn it! I am smart, beautiful, funny, strong, hard-working, kind, intuitive, happy, creative and sensitive (among other things)! Without truly believing these things myself, how in the world should I expect anyone else to view me this way? So, guess what I’m doing? I am literally looking myself in the mirror, everyday, and telling myself how awesome I am. Yes … corny as hell but extremely helpful!

 Second – getting over the idea that I NEED someone (a man) in my life.

Would it be completely gratifying and fantastic to find a man to share life with? Of course. Is it something I want? Yup. Wanting it too much though can become detrimental. When my attention is placed so heavily on the goal of finding that special someone, my attention is taken off the present, off the blessings I already have. That’s no good. The best things tend to happen without warning. Being in constant look out mode takes the surprise and romance out of it all anyway. I just need to chill. Live my life and remember that what will be will be. If my desire to be in a loving, committed relationship is meant to be, it will happen for me. Scouting it out on the constant and feeling like it is necessary makes it easier to settle or make brainless snap decisions to be in an unworthy relationship. That’s no good.

Lastly – and most simply – I’ve got to stop thinking with my vagina.

I am a woman. I have needs. I like to have those needs fulfilled. It is not only men that have these needs, contrary to popular belief. So, yea. I need to think beyond my physical and sexual needs no matter how loud they are screaming at me - every – single – day.

I’ll have rough days or weeks where I won’t believe I am worthy. I will have days of weakness when I feel like all I need is a man to love and support me and everything will be OK. I’ll get through though. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem so; I’m feeling pretty good about where I am right now. And, yes, I will have sex on the regular again one day. That will make things better too.