To Be Him

About a week ago, my son said the damndest thing (as kids often do) … He said, and I quote: “Mom, did you know that some moms don’t want their kids to be who they really are?” Huh. What a statement. I mean, what an amazingly smart little guy I have! I responded by asking him if he thought I did that with him at all. Of course, he thinks I do, “a little bit anyway”. Not the response I wanted, really. I want him to feel comfortable with whom he is. I want to celebrate his individuality and be careful to not crush his spirit! I do own the fact though that I occasionally require him cover up his craziness. I do this to save face, I suppose. I ask him to act a certain way so he isn’t looked at like he’s out of control. He is well, quite the spirited one and because of what society says is normal; I try to make him conform. It’s foolish. Really ignorant.

So, following his acute awareness of individuality, we talked for a while about how I really do like who he is and I want him to remember to always be true to himself and not allow others to define him. We talked about how even I shouldn’t be allowed to define him, that he is his own person, separate from me. The only things, I assured him, that I require him to be are kindhearted, honest, overall morally sound (yes, I did explain what morally sound entails). I explained to him that these attributes are personal qualities we should all strive for – also reminding him that no one is perfect and mistakes will always be made because that’s part of being human. Beyond these “nuts and bolts” foundational expectations, I don’t want to make him feel like who he is isn’t good enough.

Then, a couple days ago, I read an article in The Oprah Magazine about people’s quirks benefitting them.  An anecdote was told about Taylor Swift being pushed out of her circle of friends in high school because she would rather stay home and write songs than go to parties and hang out. Who knows how accurate this little story is but it cemented my desire to convey the message of individuality to my little guy. I actually called him out in to the living room immediately and told him again how important it is to be honest about whom he is and what he wants to be. I told him again, fervently; that he should never allow anyone to define him and that he is wonderful the way he is. Follow your quirks, kid! I may have taken it a bit too far but I want to be sure he gets the message, you know?

I think most parents make the small mistake that my son so cleverly pointed out to me. We desire our children to be important and successful members of society – rightly so. Allowing our idea of what that means to invade our children’s idea about what they think it means is when it all goes wrong. So, I am going to remind myself – every damn day – that he is who he is and I like who he is. No matter how many times I remind him to calm down his silliness in a crowd of people, he is still going to enjoy being goofy. Hey, maybe goofiness is his calling?